Understanding the Real Causes of Arguments—and How to Move Beyond Them
Have you ever found yourself in a heated argument and, afterward, wondered, “How did it even get to this point?” Quarrels seem to pop up everywhere: in families, at work, between friends, and even among strangers online. It’s puzzling how quickly things can spiral, especially over matters that may seem small in hindsight. To really understand why we fight, we need to dig a little deeper—into our hearts, our desires, and even some age-old wisdom.
Core Causes of Quarrels: When Desires Meet Reality
At the heart of nearly every argument is a simple truth: we want something, and we don’t get it. Maybe it’s respect, fairness, attention, or even just the last piece of pizza. Our internal desires crash into reality, and when things don’t go our way, frustration builds up. This frustration often spills over into conflict.
But there’s more to it. Selfishness and pride often fan the flames. When we put our wants above others—when “my way” becomes the only way—tension is almost guaranteed. Pride makes it hard to admit we’re wrong or to see things from someone else’s point of view. Envy and materialism also play a part: seeing what others have and feeling left out or less than can easily spark resentment.
Miscommunication is another major culprit. Sometimes, the real message gets lost in translation, or we assume the worst about another person’s intentions. Differing values and goals—what matters most to us—can also collide, making it tough to find common ground.
A Philosophical Perspective: Thomas Hobbes and the Seeds of Conflict
The philosopher Thomas Hobbes had some interesting things to say about why people clash. According to Hobbes, three main causes drive conflict among humans: competition, diffidence, and glory.
· Competition: We fight over resources—whether it’s money, status, or affection—because we want to get ahead or secure what we think we deserve.
· Diffidence: Out of fear or insecurity, we may strike first or act defensively, just to protect ourselves, even if no real threat exists.
· Glory: Pride and the desire for recognition can push us into arguments. We want to be seen as right, important, or superior, and when that’s threatened, conflict erupts.
Hobbes reminds us that these drives are universal—they’re part of being human. But left unchecked, they turn simple disagreements into serious quarrels.
Biblical Insights: Desires, Worldliness, and the Call for Humility
The Bible also speaks deeply about the sources of conflict. In the Book of James, it’s written: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” This question gets right to the heart of the matter. Often, our arguments arise because we’re chasing after things—status, possessions, recognition—that just don’t satisfy in the end.
The Bible warns against becoming too attached to worldly things and urges us to practice humility. When we’re humble, we’re less likely to insist on our own way and more willing to listen, forgive, and seek peace.
How Quarrels Manifest: The Many Faces of Conflict
Quarrels show up in all sorts of ways. Sometimes it’s obvious—raised voices, harsh words, or slamming doors. Other times, it’s subtle: silent treatment, sarcasm, or quietly stewing over a perceived slight. We may find ourselves constantly pointing out others’ faults, stubbornly defending our self-image, or picking fights over small issues just to feel heard or validated. All of these are signs that deeper struggles are at play.
The Deeper Struggle: What I Want vs. What Is
At the root of every quarrel is a tug-of-war between “what I want” and “what is.” When reality doesn’t match our expectations or desires, we often push back—sometimes without even realizing it. This internal battle can lead to outward conflict, creating rifts in our relationships and communities.
Overcoming Quarrels: The Power of Humility, Understanding, and Spiritual Growth
So, how do we break the cycle? The journey starts with humility. It means being willing to admit when we’re wrong, to listen before we speak, and to put others’ needs ahead of our own. Understanding is just as important. When we make an effort to see things from another’s perspective, miscommunications shrink and empathy grows.
For those who draw on spiritual wisdom, the Bible encourages us to seek spiritual correction—to let go of selfish ambitions and worldly attachments, and to pursue a spirit of peace. This doesn’t mean we never have disagreements, but it does mean we handle them with grace, patience, and a willingness to grow.
Conclusion: The Path to Peace
Quarrels don’t have to define our lives. When we recognize the deeper roots—our own desires, insecurities, and values—we can start to respond more thoughtfully. By practicing humility, seeking understanding, and opening ourselves to spiritual growth, we pave the way for real peace in our hearts and our relationships. The next time a quarrel looms, maybe we’ll pause, take a breath, and remember: resolving conflict starts within.
Minister A Francine Green
January 2026
afrancinegreen.com 